Pastor Cumshot

SUMMARY

Pastor Cumshot is the anointed filth-preacher of the Church of the Second Hole — a denim-robed prophet of the backdoor gospel, where sin and salvation are the same damn thrust. He doesn’t walk in holiness — he grinds through it, swinging a Bible and a bottle of lube like twin crucifixes.

Where Uncle Earl is the embodiment of redneck chaos, Pastor Cumshot is its liturgy. He takes everything you fear about religion and baptizes it in Mountain Dew and sweat. He doesn’t convert — he penetrates.

And when you leave his sermon, you’re changed forever… or at least sore in ways you didn’t expect.

“The Second Hole ain't a place. It's a calling”

Mike Moonshine Universe Character Lore

“Cumshot? Hell, that boy don’t preach the word — he fuckin’ humps it into you. I seen him bless a raccoon and a prostitute in the same five minutes… and both thanked him”

– Uncle Earl

PERSONALITY

HOLY HEDONIST

Quotes scripture while licking lube off a hymn book.

FEARLESSLY FLUID

Doesn’t believe in orientation — just direction.

CHARISMATICALLY CORRUPT

His sermons climax. So do the pews.

TRAILER THEOLOGIAN

Can quote Leviticus from a thigh tattoo while grinding to angel moans.

STORY

They say he was once a real pastor.

Then he saw God in a strip club stall and never looked back.

Pastor Cumshot was born again — in lube and Mountain Dew. With a tramp stamp Bible, gas station baptism rituals, and a gospel centered around the Second Hole, he turned every trailer, gas pump, and bingo night into a holy communion.

He preaches shirtless in denim robes, mounts pews during sermons, and hands out anal beads as communion wafers. He wrote entire psalms in piss across a Waffle House bathroom and once healed a man “with just one thrust.”

People don’t just attend his church.

They confess by moaning.

They tithe with g-strings.

They scream Amen with their pants halfway down.

He didn’t build a church.

He broke one open and humped its spirit free.

“He turned the Book of Revelations into a setlist for backdoor miracles”

– Mike Moonshine

CANONICAL SONG APPEARANCES

- Church of the Second Hole